This saga all started about August 2008. For several years prior I had been feeling that I was on a ‘spiritual plateau’. I was determined to get off this plateau and draw closer to Father. I pondered on what to do and came to the realization that I needed more faith. I also came to the realization that faith is a gift. (1 Cor. 12: 1 - 11; Moro. 10: 9 - 17) Faith is not something one can develop on one’s own. Through one’s obedience a person will gain more faith, but how did it come about? It came as God gave it as a gift to the person. One can do nothing on one’s own. (Matt. 6: 27; Luke 12: 25) I also began to pray for the gift of charity, as I recognized that my heart was not really full of God’s love.
So I began a quest to obtain more faith by praying, and asking God, for the gift of faith and the gift of charity. (D&C 46: 8) I remember telling Debbie at the time how sorry I was that she was going to suffer through things because of my prayers. I prayed this way, adding a prayer for the gift of charity, for months, knowing that these things take time. Finally, while sitting in the chapel of the temple, waiting for our February ward temple night session to begin, I had the distinct impression that I should quit my job. I know revelation when it comes to me. I joined the Church because the same thing happened to me: God spoke to me through the power of the Holy Ghost. Additionally, I learned for sure how God reveals things to me while on my mission. This direction to quit my job was that same kind of revelation.
It took me a full two weeks to come to grips with this revelation. After all, I was 55 years old, and we are currently in a bad recession. Finding a new job will be more difficult in these conditions, and I have never quit one job without already having another job. Nevertheless, I realized that this would be how God would increase my faith, and what did Nephi say about this? “I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” (1 Ne. 3: 7)
After two weeks I committed in my heart to quit my job. The time wasn’t right just then, only about one-fifth the way through the semester, and I was uncertain about teaching the Summer semester, but I made the commitment and God knew I had made it! No sooner had I made the commitment to quit did a job opportunity open up in Kalispell, Mt. Now, I had been looking at jobs across the country and especially in Missouri as we thought that’s where we were going. Often I would see an advertisement and think, “I could do that, with a little training”, or, maybe, “With a shoehorn I could squeeze into that job”. However, the job advertisement in Kalispell described me perfectly. I had every attribute they were looking for. So I submitted a resume’, was interviewed over Skype, and invited for an on-site interview. I got the job, because it was meant to be. Was my faith strengthened? Certainly. Good, that was over. However, I continued to pray for the gift of faith (fool that I am), the gift of charity, and after the Bigfork ward bishop taught the ward that we should pray for the gift of the Holy Ghost, I added that also. To top it off, I was also praying for the gift of gratitude.
Our house in Florida did not sell in August 2009 as planned and we moved from a friend’s travel trailer into a motel. Then we had a second buyer in late September, so we stayed in the motel, thinking we were going to close any day. That fell through, and in November we got our third buyer. This one is going to work, but it’s now mid January. However, I have learned to be grateful for what we have: a warm shelter from the elements. I have learned that we really don’t need too many things. Oh, they are nice, but they can become a beam of stumbling, blocking our vision from the eternally important things. I look forward to having a house and access to some of those vision blocking beam items at my disposal again.
January 4th I developed a bad stomach ache, not nausea, pain. This persisted for about three days and then settled into a pain on my left side. At first I thought appendicitis, but the pain was on the wrong side. I changed my diet, drank one half gallon of apple cider a day in an effort to “clean out.” It helped but usually about twelve hours after I would eat a meal, the pains would return. I was eating eight ibuprofens a day just to deal with the pain, but not eating much food. While in Texas for Adam’s baptism, we ate a CiCi’s pizza buffet. I started with a salad, but succumbed to pizza. Twelve hours later the pain was so intense that I could not sleep. The pain shot from my lower left side into my left shoulder. I had to sleep sitting up in a recliner. One week had gone by since my first stomach ache. I basically quit eating and the pain was generally gone, but my abdomen was hard and bloated. I continued to eat lightly and after almost two weeks, I decided to fast and get rid of what was ailing me.
At last I decided to go to the doctor. Some discussion occurred with the usual urine and blood tests. The blood tests revealed an elevated white cell count, but not consistent with a bacterial infection. I told the doctor that I had discovered a swollen lymph gland, and I had it since the time of my stomach ache. I was sent for at CT scan since I had been fasting. That night (7:30pm) the physician’s assistant called and said that, after some consultation, he feared that I had lymphoma, and suggested that I investigate cancer centers in Seattle or Portland.
I was devastated and scared. I refused to think about it Friday night, while Debbie buried herself in research. Saturday morning I went to work. I had some work to do, but I also needed to be alone. I cried. A lot. Not for me though, but for my children. My mother passed on when I was fifteen, and my father passed when I was 36. It hurt a lot at the time of my mother’s passing, but also after I was married with children of my own. I longed to be able to share my children with my mother, and to have her hold them and love them. That will never be. If I passed on now, some of my children would miss that same experience. I would also miss knowing my other boy’s wives. Not that I am anything special, but family ties are powerful. And then Hyrum would lose his father at seventeen.
After crying for a day I could compose myself for the most part, but whenever I would think about my children, I would cry again, like I am now as I type this story.
Saturday afternoon we went to see “My Turn on Earth” performed in our stake center, by the Salmon, Idaho stake. Mostly it was okay, but two things caused the tears to flow: when they sang the song, My Turn on Earth (some people get on and some people get off), and when they sang “Barbra, It’s time to come home.” “But I’m not ready.” One thing I would change about my life if I could is that I would watch that musical many more times, especially after watching a movie like “The Punisher”. Pondering on the truths expressed in the musical, I wondered if I had found “the treasure”, that Barbara had sought, as I have always struggled with empathy for others. However, based on the outpouring of love and concern from people who know me, I must have gathered some of the treasure, and I have faith in the incomprehensible love and condensation of God, and in the atoning power of the blood of His Lamb, our Savior, Jesus Christ, to cover and make up for my lack.
Sunday came and I hoped I could handle church. Hyrum had talked to the bishop, so he knew. He came to us and said that he was praying for us. I could hardly keep from crying. I couldn’t even sing the hymns any more. Interestingly, for the last several months I was having a hard time singing the hymns without crying during some part of the hymn. But then I didn’t know why.
Now I know that Father told me to quit my job. I know that we are supposed to be in Montana. But why? Why would Father bring us to the Rocky Mountains, let us languish in a motel for four months, just to have me die, leaving my wife and seventeen year-old son alone, without a home and all our stuff in storage units? Why? The answer remains yet to be revealed.
When I received my calling as High Priest Group secretary in November, the High Priest Group Leader, Brother Perrone, set me apart and blessed me saying, “You are working at your capacity.” I remember thinking, “You have no idea of my capacity”. Little did I know at that time what Father knew, and what He had prompted Brother Perrone to say.
Monday, January 18 came and I started school. A few of my former students noticed I looked thinner and questioned me about it. As of Thursday, January 21, I have lost about 15 pounds. This weight loss occurred in a matter of almost three weeks. Do you think there is something wrong with me? I mean my health, you wise guy!
Tuesday, January 19 I met with the oncologist who reviewed my test data to date. He pronounced that I most likely had one of three conditions: chronic lymphocytic leukemia, follicular lymphoma, or large B-cell lymphoma. Each of these would be stage four, as it is a blood cancer, so it would also be found in the bone marrow. He further pronounced that he would like to begin “treatment” as soon as possible. This treatment, known as “R-CHOP”, consists of five of the following nine drugs: Fludarbine, Rituximab, Cyclophospamide, Alemyuzumab, Bendamustine, Chlorambucil, Doxorubicin, Vincristine, and Prednisone, taken in eight cycles of three weeks for about five months. Initially, this appeared to be the way to go, because when you are initially faced with this situation one is unsure of what to do, so we follow the doctor’s advice. Upon reading the medical literature provided by the oncologist from a proprietary medical website, I discovered that doctors have not agreed upon any particular treatment series, but recommend that people enroll in a clinical trial! Additionally the literature reports that the success rate of this treatment method is 50 – 70 percent.
By this time news of my condition was starting to leak out. Soon Steve and JoAnna Ebanks invited us to Orlando to meet with their Chinese doctors that have been so helpful in nursing JoAnna back to health. Steve used some of his stash of frequent flyer miles to fly us to Orlando, picked us up at the airport, took us to their home, and JoAnna took us to the doctor the next day. I asked John Cyrocki, my former stake president and current member of the Orlando Temple presidency to give me a Father’s Blessing. He agreed and then spent the week pondering. He said in his first prayers, he was concerned because he was not my father. Then the Spirit told him, “Most of what we do in the temple is by proxy, this blessing is no different. So he then spent the next few days in prayer and meditation. He had Steve anoint me and then he gave me a father’s blessing. When he was finished with the father’s blessing, he sealed the anointing and gave me a blessing of health. The father’s blessing was much like my Patriarchal Blessing which John had never seen, nor had any knowledge of. During the blessing of health, the good cells were commanded to “rise up like the stripling warriors of Helaman and destroy the bad cells” in my body. Things are looking up. The Cyrocki’s then gave me an envelope that I thought contained a letter of counsel, encouragement, and love. Instead I found a manifestation of charity. Father is answering my prayer for the gift of charity by pouring out charity upon me in the form of love from my Church brothers and sisters. These acts of kindness by the Ebanks and the Cyrockis are yet another manifestation of God’s love.
I am reminded of the example of Joseph Smith, when word came to Nauvoo on one occasion of a poor man who had lost his house by fire. Nearly all the brethren said they were sorry for the man. The Prophet Joseph Smith put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a five-dollar gold piece and said, "I feel sorry for this brother to the amount of five dollars. How much do you feel sorry?"
While in Florida several people came by to wish us well and pray for us. My name has been placed in at least the following temples: Billings, Montana; Idaho Falls, Idaho; Provo, Utah; Salt Lake City, Utah; Washington DC; Raleigh North Carolina; Orlando, Florida. The Kalispell Third Ward is fasting for me this Sunday (February 2010); and during stake conference, President James Pratt of the Orlando, Florida Stake ask the members of the Orlando, Florida Stake to fast and pray for me. One of my students, Bruce Brown, a Messianic Jew, ask his congregation to pray for me. Another student from another class waited until class was over and the students were gone, then asked if he could pray for me right then. Of course I agreed, and he did.
Many others, many people, some whom I don’t even remember, e-mail us, or contact us on Facebook expressing their love and prayers. I am more grateful, and recognize this as Father teaching me by example about charity, and saying, “Now, go and do likewise.”
As I continue to suffer from thinking about my yearning for my own mother to be part of my family and to be able to hold my babies, which can never be, and for that which I will miss if I died soon, I recognized that my mother probably yearned for the same thing. It was then that I began to realize the power of those who have passed on in their yearning for family ties to be intact. I then began to realize the importance of family history and genealogical work. Then I remembered some words from my patriarchal blessing (as best as I can remember without reading my blessing): “At some future time I bless you to become interested in genealogy and to seek out your ancestors. I bless you to do a great work in genealogy.”
When you pray, with real intent, for the gift of faith, the gift of charity, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and the gift of gratitude, our loving Father will create experiences to develop these gifts in you.
I know and testify that there is a loving God in the heavens who looks over and loves His children here on the earth. I testify that He prepared a plan for us to have the opportunity to become like him and to live with His family forever. I testify that the plan requires that we come to this earth for a brief period, and that we need and must have the help of a Savior to be able to return to Father. I know that that savior is Jesus Christ and that he wrought the great and marvelous, eternal atonement whereby we can be covered, forgiven, purified, and made worthy to reenter the presence of our Holy Father and live with His family forever. I testify that this comes solely as a gift from God, and is unavailable as a result of anything we can do. I know that Joseph Smith was called of God to restore the gospel in its fullness to the earth. Joseph Smith saw God the Father and His son Jesus Christ.
I testify that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the Kingdom of God on the earth. I testify that the Holy Priesthood after the Order of the Son of God has been restored to the earth, and that it and all power and authority necessary to perform the required saving ordinances and preach the gospel and operate the Kingdom of God on the earth reside in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I testify that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, and another testament of the Lord Jesus Christ, and that a man can get closer to God by abiding by its precepts than by any other book. Shortly after returning to Montana, during our family scripture study, we read these words, “For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you. And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him (3 Nephi 17:9-9).
We are moving forward. We made an offer on a second house, and it was accepted. We will soon be settling into our home and invite all to come visit us in “God’s country”. I promise you that that has greater meaning for me than ever before.
To be continued
